Awkward Much

Have you been left alone in a room filled with people you barely known?
Like do you see people around you talking to one another and you are the only one that do not have a partner to indulge in a deep conversation with?
You might think that it would be interesting to eavesdrop and people watch how they talk animatedly but the truth is, while you do it, you are doing it ALONE.

I hate being alone and what's more, feeling awkward in such a situation. I will feel hot in the face, stomach will churn and mind goes blank. I know, what a loser in such social situation. I cannot grade myself as a 10 out of 10 social butterfly even though I am an Aquarius and I cannot even hold a humble 6. And to think that I am at the age where I should be able to hold a conversation with anybody is not happening. To be honest, I avoid such events... Except for clubs and pubs because of the loud music which makes talking pointless.

It was easy for me to talk to anyone when I was younger. Now, the older I grew, the lesser social events I go to and therefore, my social skills deteriorate. I can even stay quiet throughout the whole event. Having a friend beside me will encourage me to open my mouth and talk, that is the only time where I found myself doing it easily. This solution helped me to tide over my problem until I realize, I cannot be so dependent. Because my friends will not sit through interviews & lessons, accompany to work or even attend events with me. And so, I started to polish my social skills while I was still working as a customer service officer.

Surprisingly, I made friends and I thought, my social skills had improved. With this "new" capability, I thought I will no longer be afraid to talk until I started to focus on how I talk and that is when I realize I cannot hold a conversation at all. It might seem easy for sociable people to start blabbering but it is hard for me. I actually hate senseless talks because it is not knowledgeable and at the end of the day, you get nothing out of it (instead, you get rants out of you).

I was at my boyfriend's cousin's solemnization the other day with his family members and relatives. I might have met some of them and had dined together before but it was still awkward. I tried to appear okay and muster the courage to handle it on my own; I went to greet them and began some small but short talks. As the night passed, more and more people arrived at the venue and that was when I began to hold onto my boyfriend's arm and follow him wherever he went. I was with my boyfriend all the time until he told me he needed to go to the bathroom. SQUIRMS, CAN I GO WITH YOU PLEASE. I actually wanted to say that but I just looked at him and told him to go and come back quickly. As soon as he left, I began to feel the awkwardness eating inside of me and so, I escaped to the restroom. Ahh, bestest place to be in. 

I know I am such a loser but I already trieddd.
When we were asked to settle down for the ceremony to begin, I was rather relieved. But after the ceremony ended and it was time for dinner (buffet), I began to fluster because, it was time to mingle around. 


As practiced earlier, I stuck very close to my boyfriend and walked around, meeting his friends and getting introduced like as if I was the bride and he was the groom. We shared a table with my boyfriend's family and relatives but as I ate and talked (a little) with his family and relatives, I began to feel the absence of my boyfriend's presence. SHIT.

I was aware that my actions were a little jerky and uptight, I felt emotional too. How audacity of him to go running around and leave me here all alone! I could not take it anymore so I dropped hints to him when he came back to my side. Obviously, he did not take it seriously, he laughed and went off. I even had the cheek (can't believe myself) to told him off infront of his mum and sister that he is no longer single in the most ahlian-chua-daiji (young punk stirring up problems) way. I showed him how badly affected I was with my facial expression when he came back and stayed on my side after and he caught on but was not sure what was happening. I broke down when we were heading home, arguing in the train.

He exclaimed that it did not get into his head when I told him about my social awkwardness previously and then retaliating with a "doesn't a 21st century woman know how to talk and hold a conversation?" I stared at him in disbelief.

Just a question, what are the characteristics of a 21st century woman? And by characteristics, I mean independent and entrepreneurial, just like how it is okay for women to be the first to chase a man. I have searched a few reliable sources on the characteristics of a 21st century woman but nowhere in the sources have I spotted "she is able to hold a conversation" at all. 

Oh come on, that is generalizing aka stereotyping. An entrepreneurial centralized woman would of course possess professional articulation skills because she needs it. I on the other hand is nowhere near the status of an entrepreneur. Not that I refuse to learn and be sociable. It is just that I need someone to guide me through, just like being there for me.

Being there for me will really help me a lot. I get to have moral support and grip of steadiness with me and having the courage to talk more. I hate to be thrown there into the sea of people and swim to survival on my own. And as much as I hate this fear of mine, I would like to get out of this as soon as possible.

So just yesterday, I went to one of my uncles' wake (the one that contracted lung cancer and he had passed away), and practiced my social skills there (ironically). I tried and error and have come to realize that people who replied with more words and questions helped keep the conversation going and I LOVE SUCH PEOPLE (my boyfriend is also one of them) and I will really really engage into a more deeper conversation and come up with more topics to talk about. So in other words, I am actually not 100% socially awkward, I just need the guidance. 

I cannot approach people yet and strike a conversation but I would love to be able to do that. In that case, this shall be my New Year's Resolution of 2016. Wa, I keep adding things onto my resolution list (already having 6).

So if you were given a situation like this, how would you deal with it? Care to share some tips to me? Because I really really want to free myself from this awkwardness as it is unbearable!!!
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